How well is your communication serving you? עברית למטה
Do you:
- Have difficult conversations that often lead to argument, distance, or blaming?
- Avoid charged subjects?
- Think that you ‘have to sacrifice’ to be in a relationship?
- Feel isolated, distant, or disheartened by your judgments about other people?
- Get stuck in emotional whirlpools or struggling against ‘negative’ feelings like anger, sadness, hurt, annoyance, fear, tension, shame, loneliness etc?
- Get caught in self-criticism, blame, or being hard on yourself? think that this is the way to improve, to be better?
- Tell yourself that you ‘have to, should, must, are supposed to, ought to’? that you have no choice?
- Argue about what happened, who’s right and who’s to blame?
- Wanting to support others do you jump to fixing, saving, advising, helping? always solution-oriented?
- Lack the intimacy and connection you’d like?
- Hint at what you want, hoping the other person will understand? Ask in ways that fail to get the results or eagerness you’d like?
- React defensively? Feel hurt when you hear criticism or harsh language or 'mean' actions?
- Wish you knew how to get back from conflict to connection without wronging and blame?
How would your life be if you:
- Had more connection and intimacy (that don’t require agreement)
- Knew how to relate to others from a place of joyful willingness, eagerness to help, and ability to skillfuly say no to what’s not right for you
- Had clarity about your emotions
- Could embrace ALL your feelings, use them to connect and to discover what is really important to you in any situation. Engage others’ feelings as an easy access point for empathy and connection, even when things are hard
- Knew the path to the sweetness of self-connection
- Could access the inner parent that can tend to your inner child and help come back into presence
- Discovered the freedom of always having a choice, of doing with joy, living from the heart.
- Had the ability to talk about what happened or is happening and be heard
- Could have deeper connection and resonance by connecting with the core of another person’s experience.
- Knew the language of vulnerability, of presencing yourself in ways that invite other people into connection with you.
- Could ask for what you’d like in ways more likely to inspire eagerness and desire in giving and increase likelihood of satisfaction. Feel heard and seen.
- Could hear no without falling apart or taking it personally.
- Learn to hear violent or critical language with compassionate ears, hearing the human vulnerability which underlies it. Like an Aikido practitioner, redirect aggressive energy into an opportunity for connection
- Meaningful appreciation: Sharing how you’ve been touched and hearing from others how you’ve affected them in ways that are deeply nourishing and growthful
What is NVC?
NVC is an approach to communication and awareness which helps us stay close to life and increase the likelihood of connection, even in difficult circumstances. NVC teaches consciousness of universal human needs (the energy of life) and a 4-step model for connection. Over the past 6 years it has deeply informed and transformed my life and interactions, a huge player in bringing me to the heartful intimacy I live with today.
A simple example: I was sitting on the train and found myself in conversation with the few people around me. One young man was sharing his opinion and didn't seem to be open to hearing other perspectives. I found myself becoming irritated - I too wanted to contribute and have the sense of connection I get from being heard. And then, a shift. I opened up to what need might be animating him at the moment - a real yearning to be seen, to get recognition, it seemed to me. When I shifted to listen to him from that awareness, that he was really wanting recognition, that this was the underlying drive in his sharing, I found in myself a place of compassion that brought up an openness, a patience, a willingness to give him space for those few minutes, but now from a place of open-heartedness rather than begrudging resistance. That little shift in awareness created a big shift in me, my energy, and the mood I carried into the day.
Another example: with Shabbat approaching I made plans to meet my girlfriend at her apartment and asked her when to expect she would be home. I arrived at the appointed time, and waited, and waited....and waited. I was feeling anxious about not having enough time for everything I wanted to get done, and frustrated about the discrepancy in between her words and actions. Finally she arrived and we went inside. Noting the anger and discontent I was feeling, I realized I had a choice - either let it fester and feel distant and begrudging for the coming hours, or bring it up and hope for some return to connectedness. So I brought it up. And she started to explain her habit of underestimating the time it takes to get things done. I was disappointed- I'm not looking for an explanation, I shared, but rather to be able to discharge this feeling and to be heard, are you available for that? Yes. So I shared what I was feeling and asked for her to reflect that to me so I could get some recognition. Familiar with NVC, she did that, giving me space to feel what I was feeling and acknowledging the unmet needs at the root of my experience - consideration, reliability, etc, without needing to justify herself or to take on being 'wrong'. With that experience of being seen and acknowledged, my anger and frustration quickly dissipated with connection, intimacy, gratitude, and newfound energy in their place. Wow!
This is the power of Non-Violent Communication (NVC). In this foundations course, we will develop a consciousness of universal human needs as the root of our actions and feelings. This allows us to connect on a human level regardless of the content of a given situation. Whereas connection is often based on agreement, here we discover possibilities of connection and compassion in the heart of human experience, without needing to agree. We will enrich our intimacy with the palette of human emotion beyond feeling "good, bad, and, uhh, fine" and develop the capacity for empathy and connection to ourselves and others in ways that are deeply fulfilling and provide access to the possibilities described above. We will learn to defuse blame and judgment and open to the tender humanness and heart-to-heart connection that makes life full of meaning and richness. The foundations course will be a step-by-step exploration of the art of connection and the way that the everyday language we use can serve or impede us in achieving and sustaining such communication. We'll develop proficiency with the classic 4-stage NVC model (Observation, Feelings, Needs, Request) that helps us find connection and empathy throughout our lives. As a practically oriented course, we will have ample opportunity for practice and integration, exploring how this approach and understanding can dramatically shift your relationships with others and yourself and lead you towards a life of greater heartfulness and joy.
The class will be limited to 12 participants to ensure intimacy and personal attention.
8 3.5hour sessions
Organize a course, ask questions:
Danny: 0525435455, livetheheart@gmail.com
Testimonial from a previous student:
His commitment to teach how to communicate in a way that nurtures compassion and closeness is of the highest caliber. He himself role models the NVC way of both speaking and listening as he engages with the “other” where transparency and vulnerability prevail, allowing for a genuine and warm connection. Danny would not only bring his tenured experience in NVC to class, not only his passion and sense of joy to share this way of communicating with his students, but as well, he brought resources, exercises and a well thought-out lesson for each week. He raised the bar, challenged us in the safest way imaginable, and again, has profoundly affected how I now go about my day --- how I listen and how I speak as I engage with others." - Yiscah Smith, spiritual guide and spiritual activist
TED talk by my teacher, Yoram Mozenson, on vulnerable honesty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSGfqyhleUA
יסודות התקשורת המקרבת
עם דניאל יואל כהן
האם את/המכיר/ה
ויכוחים, התרחקות, האשמה, או התחמקות
לחשוב שלהיות בקשר = להקריב
שיפוט עצמי / אחרים
מערבולות רגשיות
כעס, עצב, כאב, עצבים, פחד, מתח, בדידות וכו׳
ביקורת עצמית
אשמה ובושה
פעולה מתוך שחייב/ת, אמור/ה, צריך/ה…
התגוננות
נסיון לתקן אנשים במקום להקשיב להם/ן
כמיהה ליותר סיפוק או אינטימיות
לרמוז למה שאת/ה רוצה בתקווה שיבינו בעצמם
להיפגע מדברים או מעשים של אחרים
ואיך היו נראים החיים שלך עם יותר
חיבור ואינטימיות (שלא תלויים הסכמה)
נתינה מתוך שמחה
היכולות לאמר ׳לא׳ כשלא מתאים
חמלה עצמית
בהירות רגשית
חיבור–עצמי וידיעה איך לעבור מהרגשות מעיקות לחיבור ועשייה נבונה
אמפטיה לעצמך ולאחרים, גם עקב אכזבה
חופש וכח של בחירה
פגיעות עוצמתית
חיבור מלב ללב
בטחון לבקש את מה שאת/ה רוצה
וכישורים קונקרטיים להישאר מחובר/ת לעצמך, לזולת, ולחיים
